Modifying Me

A backslide and a weight loss

2009-01-17T12:37:00.000-08:00

So I was feeling really frustrated a few days ago, weighing in at 197 for the 348759023845092 time in a row, and I got into a rut for a few days. The night before, I started at the beginning and read through about two years of Escape From Obesity, a weight-loss blog that I highly recommend--except for the fact that after so many hours of reading through the struggles of this woman with her urge to binge, I had a raging urge to binge. It was like reading all the secret thoughts inside my head about food.
So I trounced down to the kitchen and started sorting through the cabinents. I managed to destroy a fried apple pie (individual sized, not a whole pie), some Fritos and 1 Nutty Butty out of a two-pack before I took a deep breath, tossed the other Nutty Butty in the trash, folded down the Fritos bag and went upstairs with my (not diet) root beer to lay in bed and be miserable.
The next morning, I weighed myself to find that I was still hovering near 197 and this sent me into a depression that left me laying in bed staring at the wall all day except for the two hours I was gone to class. I didn't eat anything or drink anything all day, and didn't want to. The next day, I spent less time in bed but still ate nothing, going to class and then coming home to devour 4 Tylenol PM tabs and some warm milk and passing out early.
The next day, still nothing. Went up to see the boyfriend in Chattanooga (a town about 20 minutes north of here) and tripped on E, didn't think much about food all night.
The next morning, nothing. I finally got home around 8pm and scarfed down a cold piece of pizza and a brownie and a half before bed.
Now, one of the biggest points of this blog and this lifestyle change is to lose the weight healthily as opposed to resorting to starvation methods or drugs. In my defense, I wasn't hungry--it wasn't a conscience effort or battle for me not to eat those couple of days--but it still sets a bad precedent because...
WHEN I GOT ON THE SCALE THIS MORNING I WAS 191!!
Which means I'm a pound away from no longer classifying as 'obese'. I'm also FAR happier with myself. I didn't weigh at all between 197 and here, so the number was something of a happy surprise, even if I acknowledge that I didn't shed those pounds in the healthiest of ways.
But, today I woke up early and started off well, making an egg whites omelet with feta cheese and salsa for breakfast and having a Lean Cuisine veggie pizza. I'm back on The Daily Plate counting my calories and watching my fat intake. I haven't had any excersize today but I've been excersizing my brain reading a newly aquired, annotated version of J.R.R Tolkein's The Hobbit with all the original illustrations. (Being excited about this doesn't make me a nerd, I'm an English major.)
My uncle's family is in town from Florida (he's a rocket scientist at NASA--big genes to fill) and we're having a big dinner tonight with my dad, his wife, my other uncle and his family. There will be turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy and bread, but lots of veggies too. I'm just going to try to watch my intake of the bad stuff and up my intake of the good stuff.
But, when that's over, I'm going to a bonfire at my best friends house where there will be chili and lots of beer/liquor. Again, I'm going to try to watch my intake...
At any rate, I'm having a terribly successful day at a new low weight, and it feels like a holiday to me.

p.s. My boyfriend just called from Chattanooga and it's snowinggg there, which means it might come here, which never happens as we're in the heart of the balmy south. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

On the road again...

2009-01-13T09:53:00.000-08:00

So I faced the scale this morning after a weekend of shameless indulgence, and while I've gained two pounds I was merely relieved not to see 200 flashing back at me again. Though 197 is not, of course, a far stretch.
Busy day today, got to pay a speeding ticket and buy my textbooks, cash my last check from work and attend 5 hours of class so at least I won't be hanging around in the kitchen, bored. But I'm hoping to get in some work out time tonight at least on the treadmill and probably some ab work too. I'm really interested in picking up yoga but I don't quite know how to go about it.
Weight loss is not coming easily for me. I can't shake the pounds lately but maybe that's because I'm not putting my all into it. So, as I sit here this morning (afternoon--slept late) eating my grapefruit with 2 packs of splenda and drinking my ice water, I reflect on what motivates me. I never buy magazines but I bought the January issue of People, I think it was, a couple of weeks ago. There were women on the cover who had lost half their size and looked hot! Now I don't need to lose half my size or even a hundred pounds but I know if they can do it I can do it.
I want to be able to wear/fit into all the clothes in my closet. I remember, at my lowest weight, I had pants that would fall right off my ass. Those pants are a little snug now. And I remember, at that low weight, thinking about how I would never, never gain it back. Of course, given that I lost the weight unhealthily, I had no means of maintaining it once I got off the drugs, but having that to look back on now is definitely a motivator.
I'm trying to reassess my relationship with food so that I don't derive any excess pleasure from eating so this morning, what I have to look forward to includes a rare copy of The Hobbit that just arrived with all the original illustrations and does not include cake or quesadillas...

In The Beginning...

2009-01-12T17:41:00.000-08:00

Hello all and happy new year.

This year I didn't make any extravagant resolutions, and I didn't even mention weight loss, perhaps solely out of superstition. My new years resolution was to have better posture. So far, I'm doing lousy.

But before the new year began I had already started acclimating myself to a weight-loss journey. I started getting ready to do what I've tried and failed to do all my life, drop the pounds. So, to aid me in this new adventure, I've created this blog. I figure it'll help me to stay on track and keep me accountable, and hopefully inspire some more people along the way as I've been inspired by several blogs I've found lately.

So, to introduce myself--I'm 18 years old and I've always had a weight problem. I was a chubby kid, a chubby teenager, now a chubby adult. I've only got about 20/30 lbs to loose until I'm in a healthy BMI range, and for now I'm limiting my goals to that amount of weight loss so as not to become overwhelmed. I did the yo-yo diet all through high school, resorting to methods of starvation and supplements, always looking for that little magic pill that would miraculously turn me overnight into the thin, pretty girl I felt I deserved to be. I was always looking for the quick fix, no hassle, easy way out. Because of this I would starve for two weeks, lose ten pounds, gain it all back, buy diet pills and take 10 a day, lose twenty pounds, gain it all back. My biggest loss came as a result of serious narcotics abuse, landing me at my lowest weight and, of course, setting me up to fail--as soon as I came off the hard drugs I gained the weight back and then some. I got back to where I'd been in high school, when I was living at home and hovering around 195 lbs. What's worse, I went beyond that and hit 200 for the first time in my life.

So now, I can't fudge it or slack off or deny it anymore. It's time for serious weight loss. Before, with my quick-fix methods, I never learned how to develop a proper and healthy relationship with food. Now, I'm revamping my lifestyle. I'm conditioning myself to enjoy excersize and healthy foods, and cutting out the bad stuff for good. It's an uphill battle, but that burns more calories than a downhill battle so I'm on board.

My stats:

Age: 18

Weight: (approx.) 195

Height: 5'6

BMI: 31.5, within the range of obesity

Goal Weight: 150

My plan:

I'm tracking my calories on The Daily Plate, which is working really well for me. I'm trying to keep my percentages in check (fat, protein and carbs) and incorporate more fruits, veggies and whole grains and less processed foods. I'm attempting to walk 20 minutes every day with the eventual goal to run a mile, something I've never done.

I'm changing my thought process as well. I try to look at walking/jogging as a joy and a way to get my blood pumping instead of as a chore. The biggest thing for me has been reassessing how I look at food, minimizing its importance and viewing it as fuel instead of happiness, comfort or treasure. I think this is the most vital part, to make a life-long change in my relationship with nutritiously empty foods.

How about some pictures? (Warning: one undies picture. I love to share with strangers. Har har)

(left)This is me on Election Day last year. The vest makes my waist look rather slimmer than it really was. I'd estimate myself around 189-192 here.

I was around 182 here, you can tell the difference in my face but not really anywhere else. Note my Big Problem Area: upper arms. I hate them.

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And here I am at my lowest weight, 170. This was during the drug abuse.

I want to get about 20 pounds below what I am in these last two pictures.

So I begin my journey.

(p.s. kudos to me on the confidence it takes to post a picture of me in my underwear on the internet)